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Kind-Harts Dreame (1592)

Henrie Chettle

Note on the e-text: this Renascence Editions text is based on that of the Bodley Head edition (1923), which is taken from an original in the British Museum (C. 14, a. 6). Transcription by Richard Bear at the University of Oregon, December 1998. Original matter in this file is copyright 1998 University of Oregon. For non-profit uses only.

 

I

T hath beene a custome Gentle men (in my mind commendable) among former Authors (whose workes are no lesse beautified with eloquente phrase, than garnished with excellent example) to begin an exordium to the Readers of their time, much more conuenient I take it, should the writers in these daies (wherein that grauitie of enditing by the elder exercised, is not obseru'd, nor that modest decorum kept, which they continued) submit their labours to the fauourable censures of their learned ouerseers. For seeing nothing can be said, that hath not been before said, the singularitie of some mens conceits, (otherwayes excellent well deseruing) are no more to be soothed, than the peremptorie posies of two very sufficient Translators commended. To come in print is not to seeke praise, but to craue pardon: I am vrgd to the one; and bold to begge the other, he that offendes being forst, is more excusable than the wilful faultie, though both be guilty, there is difference in the guilt. To obseue custome, and auoid as I may cauill, opposing your fauors against my feare, Ile shew reason for my present writing, and after proceed to sue for pardon. About three moneths since died M. Robert Greene, leauing many papers in sundry Booke sellers hands, among others his Groats-worth of wit, in which a letter written to diuers play-makers, is offensiuely by one or two of them taken, and because on the dead they cannot be auenged, they wilfully forge in their conceites a liuing Author: and after tossing it two and fro, no remedy, but it must light on me. How I haue all the time of my conuersing in printing hindred the bitter inueying against schollers, it hath been very well knowne, and how in that I dealt I can sufficiently prooue. With neither of them that take offence was I acquainted, and with one of them I care not if I neuer be: the other, whome at that time I did not so much spare, as since I wish I had, for that as I haue moderated the heate of liuing writers, and might haue vsde my owne discretion (especially in such a case) the Author beeing dead, that I did not, I am as sory, as if the originall fault had beene my fault, because my selfe haue seene his demeanor no lesse ciuill than he exelent in the qualitie he professes: Besides, diuers of worship haue reported, his vprightnes of dealing, which argues his honesty, and his facetious grace in writting, that aprooues his Art. For the first, whose learning I reuerence, and at the perusing of Greenes Booke, stroke out what then in conscience I thought he in some displeasure writ: or had it beene true, yet to publish it, was intollerable: him I would wish to vse me no worse than I deserue. I had onely in the copy this share, it was il written, as sometimes Greenes hand was none of the best, licensd it must be, ere it could bee printed which could neuer be if it might not be read. To be briefe I writ it ouer, and as neare as I could, followed the copy, onely in that letter I put something out, but in the whole booke not a worde in, for I protest it was all Greenes, not mine nor Maister Nashes, as some vniustly haue affirmed. Neither was he the writer of an Epistle to the second part of Gerileon, though by the workemans error T. N. were set to the end: that I confesse to be mine, and repent it not.
    Thus Gentlemen, hauing noted the priuate causes, that made me to nominate my selfe in print; being aswell to purge Master Nashe of that he did not, as to iustifie what I did, and withall to confirme what M. Greene did: I beseech yee accept the publike cause, which is both the desire of your delight, and common benefite: for though the toye bee shadowed vnder the Title of Kind-hearts Dreame, it discouers the false hearts of diuers that wake to commit mischeife. Had not the former reasons been, it had come forth without a father: and then should I haue had no cause to feare offending, or reason to sue for fauour. Now am I in doubt of the one, though I hope of the other; which if I obtaine, you shall bind me hereafter to bee silent, till I can present yee with some thing more acceptable.

Henrie Chettle.

 

Kind- hartes Dedication of his dreame, to all the
pleasant conceited vvhersoeuer.

G

ENTLEMEN and good-fellowes (whose kindnes hauing christened mee with the name of Kind-heart, bindes me in all kind course I can to deserue the continuance of your loue) let it not seeme strange (I beseech ye) that he that all daies of his life hath beene famous for drawing teeth, should now in drooping age hazard contemptible infamie by drawing himselfe into print. For such is the folly of this age, so witlesse, so audacious, that there are scarce so many pedlers brag themselues to be printers because they haue a bundel of ballads in their packe, as there be idiots that thinke themselues Artists, because they can English an obligation, or write a true staffe to the tune of fortune. This folly raging vniuersally, hath infired me, to write the remembrance of sundry of my deceased frends, personages not alltogether obscure, for then were my subiect base, nor yet of any honourable carriage, for my stile is rude and bad: and to such as I it belongs not to iest with Gods. Kind-hart would haue his companions esteeme of Estates as starres, on whome meane men maye looke, but not ouer-looke. I haue heard of an eloquent Orator, that trimly furnished with warres abiliments, had on his shield this Motto Bona fortuna: yet at the first meeting of the enimy fled without fight. For which being reprooued, he replied. If I haue saued my selfe in this battel by flight, I shal liue to chase the enimy in the next. So Gentlemen fares it with mee, If enuious misconsterers arme themselues against my simple meaning, and wrest euery iest to a wrong sense. I thinke it policy to fly at the first fight, till I gather fresh forces to represse their folly. Neither can they what euer they be, deale hardly with Kind-hart, for he onely deliuers his dreame; with euery Apparition simply as it was vttered. Its fond for them to fight against ghosts: its fearefull for me to hide an Apprition: by concealing it I might doe my selfe harme and them no good; by reuealing it, ease my hart, and doe no honest men hurt: for the rest (although I would not willingly moue the meanest) they must beare as I doe, or mend it as they may. Well least ye deeme all my dreame but an Epistle. I will proceed to that without any further circumstance.

The Dreame.

S

ITTING alone not long since, not far from Finsburie, in a Taphouse of Antiquity, attending the comming of such companions as might wash care away with carowsing: Sleepe the attendant vpon a distempred bodies, bereft the sunnes light by couering mine eies with her sable mantle, and left me in nights shade, though the daies eie shinde; so powerfull was my receiued potion, so heauie my passion: whence (by my hostisse care) being remoued to a pleasant parlor, the windowes opening to the East, I was laid softly on a downe bed, and couered with equall furniture, where how long I slept quietly, I am not well assured, but in the time I intended to rest, I was thus by visible apparitions disturbd.
    First after a harsh and confused sound, it seemed there entered at once fiue personages, seuerally attired, and diuersly qualified, three bearing instruments, their fauours pleasant; two appearing to be Artists, their countenances reuerend.
    The first of the first three was an od old fellow, low of stature, his head was couered with a round cap, his body with a side skirted tawney coate, his legs and feete trust vppe in leather buskins, his gray haires and furrowed face witnessed his age, his treble violl in his hande, assured me of his profession. On which (by his continuall sawing hauing left but one string) after his best manner, hee gaue me a hvntsvp: whome after a little musing, I assuredly remembred to be no other but old Anthony Now now.
    The next, by his sute of russet, his buttoned cap, his taber, his standing on the toe, and other tricks, I knew to be either the body or resemblaunce of Tarlton, who liuing for his pleasant conceits was of all men liked, and dying, for mirth left not his like.
    The third (as the first) was an olde fellowe, his beard milkewhite, his head couered with a round lowe crownd rent silke hat, on which was a band knit in many knotes, wherein stucke two round stickes after the Iuglers manner. His ierkin was of leather cut, his cloake of three coulers, his hose paind with yellow drawn out with blew, his instrument was a bagpipe, & him I knew to be William Cuckoe, better knowne than lou'd, and yet some thinke as well lou'd as he was worthy.
    The other two had in their countenances a reuernt grace, the one which was the elder, seeming more seuere, was in habite like a Doctor, in his right hand hee held a Compendium of all the famous Phisitions and Surgions workes beelonging to Theorike, in his lefte hand a table of all instruments for mans health, appertaining to practise.
    At the sight of this Doctor, you maye thinke Gentlemen, Kind-hart was in a pitious case: for I verity beleeued he had beene some rare Artist, that taking me for a dead man had come to anatomize me, but taking comfort that my thrumde hat, had hanging at it the ensignes of my occupation, like a tall fellow (as to me it seemed) I lookte him in the face and beheld him to bee maister Doctor Burcot (though a stranger,) yet in England for phisicke famous.
    With him was the fifth, a man of indifferent yeares, of face amiable, of body well proportioned, his attire after the habite of a schollerlike Gentleman, onely his haire was somewhat long, whome I supposed to be Robert Greene, maister of Artes: of whome (howe euer some suppose themselues iniured) I haue learned to speake, considering he is dead, nill nisi necessarium.
    He was of singular pleasaunce the verye supporter, and to no mans disgrace bee this intended, the only Comedian of a vulgar writer in this country.
    Well thus these fiue appeared, and by them in post past a knight of the post, whome in times past I haue seen as highly promoted as the pillory: but I haue heard since he was a diuell, that plaide the Cariar of Pierce penilesse packet to Lucifer, and was now returning to contaminate the ayre, with his pestilent periuries, and abhominable false witnesse bearing.
    How Pierce his supplication pleased his Patron I know not, but sure I take it this Friend had a foule check for medling in the matter: for when all these fiue before named had made profer of seuerall bills inuectiue against abuses raigning, this diuelish Messenger repulsed them wrathfully, and bad them get some other to bee their packet bearer if they list, for he had almost hazarded his credit in hell, by beeing a Broker betweene Pierce Penilesse and his Lord: and so without hearing their reply, flew from them like a whirle wind. With that, (after a small pause) in a round ring they compassed my bead, and thrusting into my hand all their papers, they at once charged mee to awake, and publish them to the world.
    This charge seemed to mee most dreadfull of all the dreame, because in that the distinguishing of their seuerall voices was heard, farre from the frequent manner of mens speach. In fine, Cuckoe with his pipes, and Anthony with his Crowd, keeping equall equipage first left my sight; Tarlton with his Taber fetching two or three leaden friskes, shortly followed, and the Doctor and maister Greene immediately vanished.
    With this (not a little amazed as one from a trance reviued) I rouzd vp my selfe: when sodainly out of my hand fell the fiue papers, which confirmed my dreame to bee no fantasie. Yet (for that I knew the times are daugerous) I thought good aduisedly to read them, before I presumed to make them publick. So by chance lighting first on Antony nownowe I found on the outside, as follows on the other side.

(+++)
 
 

The friendly Admonition of Antho-
nie Now now, to Mopo and
Pickering, Arch-ouerseers of the
Ballad singers, in London, or
else-where

A

NTHONY now now a Gods blessing to his louing and liuing Brethren Mopo and Pickering greeting, whereas by the daily recourse of infinit numbers to the infernall regions, whose plaintes to be heard are no lesse lamentable, then their paines to be felt intollerable, I am giuen to vnderstand, that there be a company of idle youths, loathing honest labour and dispising lawfull trades, betake them to a vagrant and vicious life, in euery corner of Cities & market Townes of the Realme singing and selling of ballads and pamphletes full of ribaudrie, and all scurrilous vanity, to the prophanation of Gods name, and with-drawing people from christian exercises, especially at faires markets and such publike meetings, I humbly desire ye that ye ioyne with another of your Bretheren free of one Citie and profession, that alwaies delighting in godly songes, is now in his age betaken to his beads, and liueth by the dolefull tolling of Deaths bell warning. Deere frendes, I beseech you ioyntly to agree to the suppressing of the a forenamed idle vagabonds. And that I right incite (as I hope) your forward effectes, I will particularize the difference betweene the abused times among you reputed, and the simplicity of the daies, wherein I liued. Withall I wish ye to expect no greater matter then Anthoneyes capacity can comprehend. When I was liked, there was no thought of that idle vpstart generation of ballad-singers, neither was there a printer so lewd that would set finger to a lasciuious line. But I percieue the times are changed, and men are changed in the times. For not long since a number of children were bolstered by some vnwoorthy Citizens and other free men in Townes Corporate to exercise a base libertine life in singing anye thing that came to hand from some of the Diuels instruments, intruders into printings misterie, by whome that excelent Art is not smally slandered, the gouernment of the estate not a little blemished, nor Religion in the least measure hindred. And to shut up al in the last, is it not lamentable that after so many callings, so many blessings, so many warnings, through the couetous desire of gaine of some two or three, such a flocke of Run-agates should ouerspred the face of this land, as at this time it doth. They that intend to infect a riuer poison the fountain, the Basiliske woundeth a man by the eie, whose light first failing the body of force descends to darknes.
    These Basilisks, these bad minded monsters, brought forth like vipers by their mothers bane, with such lasciuious lewdnes haue first infected London the eie of England, the head of other Cities, as what is so lewd that hath not there contrary to order beene printed, and in euery streete abusiuely chanted. This error (ouer spreding the realme) hath in no small measure incresed in Essex and the shires thereto adioyning, by the blushlesse face of certaine Babes sonnes to one Barnes most frequenting Bishops Stafford. The olde fellow their father soothing his sonnes folly, resting his crabbed limes on a crab-tree staffe, was wont and I thinke yet he vses to seuer himselfe from the Booth, or rather Brothell of his two sons Ballad shambels: where the one in a sweaking treble, the other in an ale-blowen base carrowle out such adultrous ribaudry, as chast eares abhorre to heare, and modestie hath no tongue to vtter.
    While they are in the ruffe of ribaudrie, (as I was about to say) the olde ale-knight their dad breakes out into admiration, and sends stragling customers to admire the roaring of his sonnes: where that I may showe some abuses, and yet for shame let slip the most odious, they heare no better matter, but the lasciuious vnder songs of Watkins ale, the Carmans whistle, Chopingkniues, and frier foxtaile, and that with such odious and detested boldnes, as if there be any one line in those lewd songs than other more abhominable, that with a double repetition is lowdly belowed, as for example of the frier and the nunne.
    He whips her with a foxes taile, Barnes minor,
    And he whips her with a foxes taile, Barnes maior.
    O braue boies saith Barnes maximus. The father leapes, the lubers roare, the people runne, the Diuell laughs, God lowers, and good men weepe. Nay, no sooner haue the godly preachers deliuered wholesome doctrine, but these impes of iniquitie, and such as imitate their order, draw whole heapes to hearken to their inquinated cries, as if they were heardes of the Gershites swine ready to receiue whole legions of soule-drowning spirites.
    Stephen, Mopo and Pickering I muse you make no complaint to those worshipfull that haue authority to restraine such straglers for this is to be proued, of whome soeuer they buy them, that these two Barnes vtter more licentious songs, then all that part of England beside.
    Shamefull it is (had they any shame) that men brought vppe to an honest handicraft, of which the realme more need then iygging vanities, should betake them to so impudent a course of life. The Rogue that liueth idly is restrained, the fidler and plaier that is maisterlesse is in the same predicament, both these by the law are burned in the eare, and shall men more odious scape vnpunished.
    It were to be wisht, if they will not be warnd, that aswell the singers, as their supporters, were burned in the tongue that they might rather be euer vtterly mute, then the triumphers of so many mischiefes. Neither are these two alone in fault, though they stand worthely formost as Malorum Duces, but besides them, others more then a good many, some as lesse companion (if it proue true that is of him reported) being of a worshipfull trade, and yet no Stationer, who after a little bringing them vppe to singing brokerie, takes into his shop some fresh men, and trusts his olde searuantes of a two months standing with a dossen groates worth of ballads. In which if they prooue thrifty, hee makes them prety chapmen, able to spred more pamphlets by the state forbidden then all the Bookesellers in London, for only in this Citie is straight search, abroad smale suspition, especially of such petty pedlars. Neither is he for these flies only in fault, but the Gouerners of cutpurse hall, finding that their company wounderfully increast, howeuer manye of their beste workemen monthly miscande at the three foot crosse, they tooke counsaile how they might find some new exercise to imploy their number.
    One of the ancientest that had beene a traueller, and at brainetree faire, seene the resort to the standinges of the forenamed brethren, the sonnes of olde Barnes the Plummer, chose out roaringe Dicke, Wat Wimbars, cum multis aliis of tune-able trebles, that gathered sundry assemblies in diuers places, where yer a leaud songe was fully ended, some mist their kniues, some their purses, soome one thinge, soome another. And alasse, who woulde suspecte my rude peoples eyes and eares, with no les delectable noise, then their ditties were delightsome: the one beeing too odious to bee read, the other too infectious to be heard. Well howeuer they sung, it is like they shared: for it hath beene saide, they themselues bragge, they gayned their twenty shillinges in a day. Ah brother Popo, many a hard meale haue you made, and as many a time hath Curtell your foure-footed traueiler, beene pincht for want of prouander, and yet at the weekes ende haue you hardly taken tenne shillinges. But I persuade my selfe you gaine by your honest labour, and they by legerdemaine. To tell you your owne inuiries, by them euery where offered, neede not: to wish you to speake to them it bootes not. Therefore this is my counsaile, and let it be your course: Make humble suite to her Maiesties Officers, that they may bee hencefoorth prohibited: intreate the Preachers that they inuaye againste this vice, whiche thoughe it seeme small to other abuses, yet as a graine of mustard seede it increases, and bringeth foorth more mischeifes, then few wordes can expresse, or much diligence make voide. First, if there be any songes suffered in such publike sorte to be soong, beseech that they may either be such as your selues, that after seauen yeares or more seruice, haue no other liuinge lefte you out of Pattent, but that poore base life, of it selfe too badde, yet made more beggarly, by increase of number: or at least if any besides you be therto admitted, that it may be none other but aged and impotent persons: who liuinge upon charity, may the rather draw those that delight in good songs, to haue mercy on their neede. For to sing publikely, is by a kind of tolleration, permitted only to beggars, of which nomber, it is not necessary to make them, that haue seene no number of yeares, nor are in the members of their bodies imperfect. Is it not absurde to see a long legd lubber pinned in a chayre, fedde with a dugge, dreste with a bibbe, and rockte in a cradle? As vile it is, that boyes of able strength, and agreeable capacity, should bee suffered to wrest from the miserable Aged, the last refuge in their life (beggery excepted) the poore helpe of Ballad-singing. Many a crust hath old Anthony, gotte by it Mopo, beside other comfortes: but now I heare my blinde brother that exercisde the base, is forced to lay his fiddle to pawne and trust onely to the two and thirtieth Psalme, and Job patience dor his poore belly-pinchinge pittaunce. Once againe I tourne mee in your names to the Maiestrates, and Preachers of London, and as tho them so to others else-where in the Realme. Right honourable, reuerend, or worshipfull, Anthony humbly desire you, to looke into the leaud cause, that these wicked effectrs may fall. The people delighte to heare some new thinge: if these prophane ribauldries were not: somewhat sauering of godlinesse, of policy, or at the vtmost of morall witte, should be receiued. It is common, that they which haue capacitye, when they heare either Diuinitye, Lawe, or other Artes, apply their memories to receiue them, and as they haue conceiued, they bringe foorth fruites; so fares it by the contrary, when they heare lasciuious surquedry, leudnesse, impiety, they yeeld no other harvest, than they receiued seede: for who canne gather grapes of thornes, of figges of thistles. It would bee thought the Carman that was woonte to whistle to his beastes a comfortable note, might aswell continue his olde course, wherby his sound served for a musicall harmony in Gods care: as now profanely to follow a Iigging vanity, which can bee no better than odious before God: sith it is abhominable in the eares of good men. But all is one, they are suffred, which makes them secure, and there is no impietye, but the baser flatter themselues in, because they are not more stricktly reprehended by their betters. If euery idle word shall be aunsweared for, how shall they escape that suffer whole dayes to bee consumde in abhominable brothelry. Well, at the handes of the sheapheard shall the flocke be challenged, there is a mercy that kisseth Iustice, euery other tolleration is sinnefull and shamefull. Here Anthony now now ceases: knowing the superiours haue discretion uppon true information, to deale as beseemes them. I onely urge my brother Mopo, S.P. and Pickeringe, to beseech that lasciuious singers may be vtterlye supprest, as they will shew themselues to bee the men they shoud be, wherein if they faile, let them liue euer in pertpetuall pouertye, and fare at all tymes as hard as poore Mopos Cut did with his maisters countreyman in Shorditch, till by the force of his hinder heeles, he vtterly vndid two milch maydens, that had set up a shoppe of Ale-drapery. Subscribed

Anthony now now a Gods blessing.

     When I had read this rabble, wherein I found little reason, I laide it by, intendinge at more time to seeke out Mopo, and his mentioned companions. The nexte paper I chaunced on, was that of Maister Doctor Burcot:
        The superscription thus,
    To the impudent discreditors of Phisickes Art,
        either speedy amendment or
                  punishment.
 

I

NIURIOUS enemies to Arts, that haue sought to make Phisick, among common people, esteemed common: and Chirurgery contemptible, to you is this my Breefe addressed, for since I lefte the earth, commaunded by him, that disposes of euery creature, I vnderstande soome greene-headed scoffers at my greene receipt: have intermedled in matters more then they conceiue, and by that folly effected much lesse then they promised. It was helde of olde, for a principle, and not long since obserued as a custome, that as the nightes Battes, fore-runners of darkenesse, neuer flickered in the streetes, till the Sunne was declinde: and then euery where blindly flapped in mennes faces: so the Owles of Artes, blinde-flinder mise (as I may tearme them) confirming the old Oracle: neuer shewe themselues but in corners, giuing their rules for that they vnderstand not, to the losse of life, or mans dismembringe.Euery simple hath his vertue, euery disease his beginning: but the remedy riseth from the knowledge of the cause: If any can (in naturall sence) giue ease, they must be Artistes, that are able to search the cause, resist the disease, by prouiding remedies. How fares it then, blinde abusers of the blind, your blushles faces are so seasoned, that you can in print or publike writinges, open the skirtes of your shame, by promising sight to the blinde, sound ioyntes to the gowty, steady members to the Paraletike, strong limmes to the lame, quicke hearing to the deafe, sence to the franticke. To begin with I. D. one of your sight healers, was it not wel handled by him, when a gentleman of good account hauing onely a heate in one of his eies, hee like a kinde christian perswaded the patient to receiue a water preseruatiue to the sound eie that it might draw the humor from the first, when in very truth by his cunning hee so dealt, that not an eie was left in his head whereby hee might wel see, sauing that by the ey that was first sore he can with much adoo looke through a christall. Thus this cogging sight-giuer dranke a hundred marke and vtterly impaired the paiers sight.
    O obscure knaue, worthy to bee so well knowne, that thine eies being thrust out of thy head in a publike assembly, thou mighsttest no more attempt to make blind thy betters. There was a Gentleman in the world, troubled not long since with a paine in the foote, Phisitions found it to be the gout, against which malady promising no precise remedy, but onely to giue ease for the time, did their dailye indeuour, by defensiues preuenting paine that would haue prooued offensiue. He impatient of delay, forsooke all hopes of art, and deliuered ouer hys life into the hands of some of these trauelers that by incision are able to ease all atches. If a sensible man (conceiuing their tiranny on him vsed) shuld note their cuttings, drawings, corrosiuings, borings, butcherings, they wold conclude, Non erat inter Siculos tormentii maius. Yet forsooth, who but these are welcome to diseased or endaungered people. The reason, they will vndertake to warrant what no wise man can; if it happen by strong conceipt some haue comfort, then to the worlds wonder in old wiues monuments are they remembered. Short tale to make, after many tortures, God gaue the gentleman ease by death.
    For the dead Palsie there is a woman hath a desperate drinke, that either helpes in a yeare, or killes in an hour. Beside shee hath a chrme that mumbled thrice ouer the eare, together with oyle of Suamone (as she tearmes it) will make them that can heare but a little, heare in short time neuer a whit. But aboue all her Medicine for the quartine Ague, is admirable. viz. A pinte of exceeding strong march beere, wherein is infused one drope of Aqua mirabilis, this taken at a draught before the fit is intollerable good, and for a president, let this serue.
    A Gentlewoman about London whose husband is heire of a right worshipfull house, was induced to take this drench, from this wise woman, for euery drop of that strong water she must haue twelue pence. A sponefull at the least was prizde at fortie shillings. Thus daily for almost a moneth she ministred, the Gentlewoman hauing still good hope, at last was put by her husband quite out of comfort for any good at this womans handes, for he by chance getting the deceiuers glasse, would needes poure out a spunefull what euer he paid, she cried out she could not spare it, all helpt not, he tooke it and tasted, and found it to be no other then fountaine water.
    There was one Bond-man or free-man (it skiles not much whether) that by wondrous ready meanes would heale madmen, what expectation was of him, by his great promises all London knowes, howe lewdly hee delt, it can as well witnesse, of him I will say little, because there is more knowne, then I am able to set downe.
    Besides these run-agates, there are some of good experience, that giuing themselues to inordinate excesse, when they are writ vnto by learned phisitions to minister for the patients health according to their aduised prescription, negligently mistake. As for example, a Doctor directs to his Poticary a bill to minister to a man hauing an vlcerous sore, certaine pills for the preparing of his body, withall a receipt for the making a corrosiue to apply to the sore, hee (either witles, which is too bad, or wilful, which is worse) prepares for the pilles in manner of a playster.
    The partie receiues the corrosiue inward, his mawe is fretted, death followes. If there be such an Apothecary that hath so done, let him repent his dealings, least the bloud of that man light on his head.
    It is said there was another skilfull, no lesse ouerseene that hauinge a poore manne of a legge to dismember, who had long time beene his patient, at the instant, more extreamely painde, then before, which was cause of requiringe his Chirurgians immediate helpe. This workeman, the poore patientes deathes-maister, in that pointe not to bee tearmed his owne Artes-maister, dismembred him, the signe beeinge in the foote. Whereof beeing tolde, immediately after the deede, hee only merrited this praise, by giuing councel to the murthered man to haue patience at his sudden end.
    But these accidentes amonge Artistes happen as seldome as the proofe of a good cure amonge you that are vtterly ignoraunt in Arte: for their faultes, are committed by them rarely or neuer, your trespasses, like a quotidian disease. So of the one it may bee saide, Wine is a mocker, and strong drincke is raginge, and those that bee thereby deceiued are not wise. Yet of the other may directly bee concluded to their single commendation, that as no serpent is without his hidden stinge, or anie thing in earth without some blemish: so no purity of their impure profession, can be equalled in imperfection, so impure is all, so vile, so daungerous.
    Therefore now returne I where I began, to you the excrementes of nature, and monsters of menne, whose murders are not so well knowne to the world, as felt by them that leaue it, with two of you will I ende. The one a braggart of great antiquity, whose liuely image is yet to bee seene in King Luds Pallace, and his liuing Ghost at this time ministringe to the poore Pensioners of that place. Sirra, nay it shall be sir in reuerence of your old occupation, I muse not a little what wonderfull Mettaline preparatiue it is ye boast on: by which were men so mad to beleeue you, you are able to make anye manne not onely boldely to walke in ill ayres, and conuerse daye and nighte with infected companye, but also to receiue the strongest poison (like king Mithridates) into his body? Tenne to one, it is so strange, as no man but your selfe is able to name it. Yet giue mee leaue to gesse at it without offence to your falsehoode. I remember I haue heard great talke, you haue bene both a caster of mettall, and a forger, and it seemes you haue gotten the receipte which the Tinne-melters wife ministred, to breake her husbandes colde, when he sate sleeping in his chaire, videlicet two ounces of pure Tinne put in an iron ladle, melted in the fire, and poured at an instant downe the throat. If it be thus, I dare take your woord for any poyson hurting that partie that so receives it, for a a simple fellowe (seeing foure or fiue hangd for their offences, and hearing some speake bitterly of them beeing deade) saide, Well, God make them good men, they haue a faire warning: so I may say they that deale with your mettaline medicine haue a faire warrante against poison: Likewise may it be saide of your admirable eie water the woorshipfull name of Doctor put out: hauinge put out soome of their eies that deale with it. But if I haue varied from your mettaline receipt before, I conclude it but a forgerie, and so blame you not greatly for followinge a parcell of your olde and to some a hurtfull trade.
    Another of your brethren, as wel ouer seene in mineralls as your selfe, lying in a good fellowes house not long since, being monilesse, as ye are all but thred bare make-shiftes, perswaded his hoast to take phisicke for feare of infection, his labout he was content to giue, and nothing for their kindnesse would hee require but euen fiue marke, which he must pay for the very simples. His simple hoast beleeuing him to bee honest, gaue him the money. If hee had lefte here, though this had beene to lewd, it had beene farre better than to go forward as he did, for some what hee bestowed on purging simples which vnprepared he ministred, and with the same ministred the poore mans death.
    The lewd wretch cried out that hee had taken a great quantity of the purgation, more then he appointed, which was in a window in his chamber, much adoe was made, and he would iustifie before any learned man his deed, but trusting better to his heeles, than to hazard a hanging, hee gaue them that night the slip, and is not yet taken.
    To be short, how euer ye differ in seuerall shiftes, yet agree you all in one manner of shifting, cunning is the cloake to hide your cogging: money the marke for which ye play the makeshiftes, nay the murtherers, not of the common enemie, but your owne country-men, than which what can be more barbarous? Common reason should perswade, that much reading and long practise in every Art makes men expert. Per Contrarium I conclude, you that haue neither read nor practised, must needs be egregiously ignorant.
    Assure your selues, if you refraine not, iustice will stand vppe, and so restraine yee, as there shall be nothing more noted than your ignorant practises and impudent courses. In my life I was your aduersary: in death I am your enimie. Beseeching the reuerend Colledge of learned Doctors and worshipfull company of experienst Chirurgions to looke more straightly to your false deceites, and close haunts, that there may be sooner heard talke of such a rare obscure assurancer to worke what not wonders in Phisicke, or Chirurgirie, but he be rather lookt into or euer he begin, than suffred to begin, whereby any poore patient should suffer losse in triall of their blind skill: so shall your cousenages be as open as you Actes be odious.

Subscribed
            Burcot.

    This is somewhat like (thought I) if he had said any thing against cousoning tooth drawers, that from place to place wander with banners full of horse teeth to the impairing of Kindharts occupation, but I perceiue maister Doctor was neuer a tooth drawer, if he had, I know he would haue toucht their deceiuings. Since he hath let them passe, I greatly passe not: and yet  in regard of the credit of my trade, I care not to haue a blow or two with them my selfe, before I looke any further.
    Sundry of them that so wander, haue not to do with the means Kindhart vseth, but forsooth by charmes they can at their pleasure fray away the payne, which Kindhart counts little better than witch craft, if it could doe good, and so to some of them haue I affirmed it: But a proper slip-string, sometime a petty schole-maister, now a pelting tooth charmer, hauing no reason to defend his obscure rules, quite put me to silence before a well learned audience, the one a cobler, the other a carman, the last a collyer. These beeing poore men, had I for pittie often eased of their payne, yet was the remedy I vsde somewhat painefull, but not long since they are come acquianted with the charmer I told ye of, he in charitable consideracion of their greefe, promised to ease them onely with writing and after burning a word or two. Trauelling to a Gentlemans not farre from London, I by the way chaunst to be cald to conferre with him at the same verye instant, where reproouing his opinion, hee put me downe with such a galliemafrey of latine ends, that I was glad to make an end: Yet got I a copy of his charme, which I wil set downe that I may make it common.

A Charme.

    First, he must know your name, then your age, which in a little paper he sets downe, on the top are these words In verbis, et in herbis, et in lapididus sunt virtutis, underneath he writes in capitall letter A AB ILLA, HVRS GIBELLA, which he sweres is pure Chalde, and the names of three spirites that enter into the bloud and cause rewmes, & so consequently the tootheach. This paper must be likewise three times blest, being thrice vsed, is of power to expell the spirites, purifie the bloud, and ease the paine, or else he lyes, for he hath practised it long, but shall approue it neuer.
    Another sort, get hot wiers, and with them they burne out the worme that so torments the greeued: these fellowes are fit to visit curst wiues, and might by their practise doe a number of honest men ease, if they would misse the tooth and worme the tongue.
    Others there are, that perswade the pained, to hold their mouths open ouer a basen of water by the fire side, and to cast into the fire a handfull of henbane seede, the which naturally hath in euery seede a little worme, the seedes breaking in the fire, vse a kind of cracking, and out of them, it is hard among so many, if no worme fly into the water: which wormes the deceiuers affirme to haue fallen from the teeth of the diseased. This rare secret is much vsed, and not smally lyked. Sundry other could I set downe practised by our banner-bearers, but all is foppery, for this I find to be the only remedy for the tooth paine, either to haue patience, or to pull them out.
    Well, no more for mee, least I bee thought to speake too largly for my selfe. I had thought to haue had a fling at the rat-catcher, who with their banners displayed, beare no small sway, what I haue to say to them they shall not yet heare, because I hope they will take warning by other mens harmes. Onely this I affirme that as some banner-bearers haue in their occupations much craft, the rat-catchers is nothing else but craft.
    But stay Kind-hart, if thou make so long a Chorus betweene euery act, thy iests will be as stale as thy wit is weake. Therefore leauing those vagabonds to repent their villanyes, Ile bid adieu to maister Doctor, and see who is our next speaker.
 

Robert Greene to
Pierce Pennilesse.

P

IERCE, if thy Carrier had beene as kinde to me as I expected, I could haue dispatched long since my letters to thee: but it is here as in the world, Domum a dando deriuatur: where there is nothing to giue, there is nothing to be got. But hauing now found meanes to send to thee, I will certifie thee a little of my disquiet after death, of which I thinke thou either hast not heard or wilt not conceiue.
    Hauing with humble penitence besought pardon for my infinite sinnes, and paid the due to death, euen in my graue was I scarse layde, when Enuie (no fit companion for Art) spit out her poyson, to disturbe my rest, Aduersus mortuos bellum siscipere, inhumanum est. There is no glory gained by breaking a deade mans skull. Pascitur in viuis liuor, post fata quiscit. Yet it appeares contrary in some, that inueighing against my workes, my pouertie, my life, my death, my burial, haue omitted nothing that may seeme malitious. For my Bookes, of what kind soeuer, I refer their commendation or dispraise to those that haue read them. Onely for my last labours affirming, my intent was to reproue vice, and lay open such villanies, as had beene very necessay to be made knowne, whereof my Black Booke, if euer it see light, can sufficiently witnesse. But for my pouertie, meethinkes wisedome would haue brideled that inuectiue: for Cuiuis potest accodere, quod cuiquam potest. The beginning of my dispraisers is knowne, of their end they are not sure. For my life, it was to none of them at any time hurtful: for my death, it was repentant: my buriall like a Christians.

    Alas that men so hastily should run,
    To write their own dispraise as they haue done.

    For my reuenge, it suffices, that euery halfe-eyd humanitian may account it, Instar belluarum immanissimarum sæuire cadauer. For the iniurie offred thee, I know I need not bring oyle to thy fire. And albeit I would disswade thee from more inuectiues against such thy aduersaries (for peace is nowe all my plea) yet I know thou wilt returne answere, that since thou receiuedst the first wrong, thou wilt not endure the last.
    My quiet Ghost (vnquietly disturbed) had once intended thus to haue exclaimd.
    Pierce, more witlesse, then pennilesse; more idle, than thine aduersaries ill imployde; what foolish innocence hath made thee (infantlike) resistlesse to beare, what euer iniurie Enuie can impose?
    Once thou commendest immediate conceit, and gauest no great praise to excellent works of twelue yeres labour: now, in the blooming of thy hopes, thou sufferest slaunder to nippe them ere they can bud: thereby approuing thy selfe to be of all other most slacke, beeing in thine owne cause so remisse.
    Colour can there be none found to shadowe thy fainting, but the longer thou deserst, ther more greefe thou bringest to thy frends, and giuest the greater head to thy enemies.
    What canst thou tell, if (as my selfe) thou shalt bee with death preuented? and then how can it be but thou diest disgrac'd, seeing thou hast made no reply to their twofold Edition of inuectiues?
    It may bee thou thinkst they will deale well with thee in death, and so thy shame in tollerating them will be short: forge not to thy self one such conceit, but make me thy president, and remember this olde adage: Leonem mortuum mordent Catuli.
    Awake (secure boy) reuenge thy wrongs, remember mine: thy aduersaries began the abuse, they continue it: if thou suffer it, let thy life be short in silence and obscuritie, and they death, hastie, hated, and miserable.
    All this had I intended to write, but now I wil not giue way to wrath, but returne it vnto the earth from whence I tooke it: for with happie soules it hath no harbour.

Robert Greene.

 

N

OW Maisters, what say you to a merrie knaue, that for this two years day hath not beene talkt of? Wil you giue him leaue if he can to make ye laugh? What all a mort? No merry countenance? Nay, then I see hypocrisie hath the vpper hand, and her spirit raignes in this profitable generation. Sith it is thus, Ile be a time-pleaser. Fie vppon following plaies, the expence is wondrous; vpon players speeches, their wordes are full of wyles; vppon their gestures, that are altogether wanton. Is it not lamentable, that a man should spende his two pence on them in an after-noone, heare couetousnes amongst them daily quipt at, being one of the commonest occupations in the countrey; and in liuely gestures see trecherie set out, with which euery man now adaies vseth to intrap his brother. Byr lady, this would be lookt into: if these be the fruites of playing, tis time the practisers were expeld.
    Expeld (quoth you) that hath been pretily performd, to the no smal profit of the Bouling-allyes in Bedlam and other places, that were wont in the afternoones to be left empty, by the recourse of good fellowes vnto that vnprofitable recreation of Stage-playing.
    And it were not much amisse, would they ioine with the Dicing houses to make againe for their longer restraint, though the sicknesse cease. Is not this well saide (my maisters) of an olde buttond cappe, that hath most part of his life liu'd vppon that against which he inueighs, Yes, and worthily.
    But I haue more to say than this: Is it not greate shame, that the houses of retaylers neare the Townes end, should be by their continuance impouerished? Alas good hearts, they pay great rentes, and pittie it is but they be prouided for. While Playes are vsde, halfe the day is by most youthes that haue libertie spent vppon them, or at least the greatest company drawne to the places where they frequent. If they were supprest, the flocke of yoonge people would bee equally parted. But now the greatest trade is brought into one street. Is it not as faire a way to Myle-end by White-chappell, as by Shoreditch to Hackney? the Sunne shineth as clearly in the one place, as in the other; the shades are of a like pleasure: onely this is the fault, that by ouermuch heat sometime they are in both places infectious.
    As well in this as other things there is great abuse: for in euery house where the venerian virgins are resident, hospitalitie is quite exiled; such fines, such taxes, such tribute, such customs, as (poore soules) after seuen yeares service in that vnhallowed order, they are faine to leaue their sutes for offerings to the olde Lenos that are shrine-keepers, and themselues (when they begin to break) are faine to seeke harbour in an Hospitall: which chaunceth not (as sometime is thought) to one amongst twentie, but hardly one amongst a hundred haue better ending. And therefore seeing they liue so hardly, its pitie Players should hinder their taking a peny.
    I marry (saies Baudeamus my quondam Host) well faire olde Dicke, that worde was well plac'd: for thou knowst our rentes are so unreasonable, that except wee cut and shaue, and poule, and prig, we must return Non est inuentus at the quarterday. For is not this pittifull? I am a man now as other men be, and haue liu'd in some shire of England, till all the Country was wearie of mee. I come vp to London, and fall to be some Tapster, Hostler, or Chamberlaine in an Inne: Well, I get mee a wife, with her a little money: when we are married, seeke a house we must, no other occupation haue I but to be an Ale-draper, the Landlord wil haue fortie pound fine, and twenty marke a yeare, I and mine must not lie in the street: he knows by honest courses I can neuer paye the Rent. What should I say? Somwhat must be done, rent must be paid, duties dischargd, or we vndone. To bee short, what must be shall be: indeede sometimes I haue my Landlordes countenance before a Iustice, to cast a cloake ouer ill-rule, or els hee might seeke such another tenant to pay his rent so truly.
    Quaintly concluded (Peter Pandar) somewhat yee must bee, and a bawd ye will bee. I by my troth sir, why not I as well as my neighbors, since theres no remedy. And you sir, find fault with plaies. Out vpon them, they spoile our trade, as you yourselfe haue proued. Beside, they open our crosse-biting, our conny catching, our traines, our traps, our gins, our snares, our subtilties: for no sooner haue we a tricke of deceipt, but they make it common, singing Iigs, and making ieasts of vs, that euerie boy can point out our houses as they passe by.
    Whither now Tarlton? this is extempore out of time tune, and temper. It may well be said to me:

    Stulte, quid haelig;c faris, &c.
    Rusticus ipse, tuis malus es, tibi pessimus ipsi.

    Thy selfe once a Player,and against Players: nay, turne out the right side of thy russet coate, and lette the world know thy meaning. Why thus I meane, for now I speake in sobernes.
    Every thing hath in it selfe his vertue and his vice: from oneselfe flower the Bee and Spider sucke honny and poyson. In plaies it fares as in bookes, vice cannot be reproued, except it be discouered: neither is it in any play discouered, but there followes in the same an example of the punishment: now he that at a play will be delighted in the one, and not warned by the other, is like him that reads in a booke the description of sinne, and will not looke ouer the leafe for the reward.
    Mirth in seasonable time taken, is not forbidden by austerest Sapients.
    But indeede there is a time of mirth, and a time of mourning. Which time hauing been by the Magistrates wisely obserued, as well for the suppressing of Playes, as other pleasures: so likewise a time may come, when honest recreation shall haue his former libertie.
    And lette Tarleton intreate the yoong people of the Cittie, either to abstaine altogether from playes, or at their comming thither to vse thenselues after a more quiet order.
    In a place so ciuill as this Cittie is esteemed, it is more than barbarously rude, to see the the shamefull disorder and routes that sometime in such publike meetings are vsed.
    The beginners are neither gentlemen. nor citizens, nor any of their seruants, but some lewd mates that long for innouation, & when they see aduantage, that either Seruingmen or Apprentises are most in number, they will be of either side, though indeed they are of no side, but men beside all honestie, willing to make boote of cloakes, hats, purses, or what euer they can lay holde on in a hurley burley. These are the common causers of discord in publike places. If otherwise it happen (as it seldome doth) that any quarrell be betweene man and man, it is far from manhood to make so publike a place their field to fight in: no man will doe it, but cowardes that would faine be parted, or haue hope to haue manie partakers.
    Nowe to you that maligne our moderate merriments, and thinke there is no felicitie but in excessiue possession of wealth: with you I would ende in a song, yea an Extempore song on this Theame, Nequid nimis necessarium: but I am now hoarse, and troubled with my Taber and Pipe: beside, what pleasure brings musicke to the miserable. Therefore letting songes passe, I tell them in sadnes, how euer Playes are not altogether to be commended: yet some of them do more hurt in a day, than all the Players (by exercizing theyr profession) in an age. Faults there are in the professors as other men, this the greatest, that diuers of them beeing publike in euerie ones eye, and talkt of in euery vulgar mans mouth, see not how they are seene into, especially for their contempt, which makes them among most men most contemptible.
    Of them I will say no more, of the profession, so much hath Pierce Pennilesse (as I heare say) spoken, that for mee there is not any thing to speake. So wishing the chearefull, pleasaunce endlesse; and the willfull sullen, sorrow till they surfet, with a turne on the toe I take my leaue.

Richard Tarleton.

     When I had done with this, one thing I mislikte, that Tarleton stoode no longer on that point of Landlords: For lamentable it is (in Kind-harts opinion) to note their vnreasonable exaction. I my selfe knewe a Landlord, that beginning to inlarge a little Tenement, was according to statute prohibited: hee made humble suite that the worke might go forward; for good man, he meant not to make thereby any benefite, but euen in charitie he would turne it into an Almes-house. This godly motion was liked, and he allowed to goe forward with his building. The worke ended, in all the Country there could not poore bee found worthy, or at least able to enter into the same.
    To be short, it was turned into a Tauerne, and with rent and fine in a few monthes turnd the Tenant out of doores. Yet it hath beene saide, the poore man did what hee might, Cum vino & venere, to continue his state: but the Landlord had made such a Dent in his stocke, that with all the wit in his head it would not bee stopt. I beshrew the Card-makers, that clapt not a gowne about the Knaue of Hartes, & put him on a hat for a bonnet ouer his nightcappe, then had not after Age taken care for the Image of this excellent Almes-house builder, but in euerie Ale-house should haue beene reserued his monument, till Macke, Maw, Ruffe, Noddy, and Trumpe, had beene no more vsde, than his charitie is felt.
    Pitie it is such Wolues are not shakte out of sheeps cloathing. Elder times detested such extremitie: the Gospels liberty (howsoeuer some Libertines abuse it) giues no such license: by their auarice Religion is slandered, lewdnes is bolstered, the suburbs of the Citie are in many places no other but darke dennes for adulterers, theeues, murderes, and euery mischiefe worker: daily experience before the Magistrates confirmes this for truth.
     I would the hart of the Cittie were whole, for both within and without, extreame crueltie causeth much beggerie, Victa iacet pietas, and with pietie pittie. Selfe loue hath exiled charitie: and as among beastes the Lyon hunteth the Wolfe, the Wolfe deuoureth the Goate, and the Goate feedeth on mountaine hearbs: so among men, the great oppresse the meaner, they againe the meanest: for whom hard fare, colde lodging, thinne cloathes, and sore labour is onely allotted.
     To see how soone the world is changed: In my time I remember two men, the one a Diuine, the other a Cittizen: it was their vse, at the time they should quarterly receiue their duties (for the first was well beneficed, the later a great Landlord) when they came to anie poore creature, whome sicknesse had hindered, or mischaunce impaired, or many children kept lowe: they would not onely forgiue what they should receiue, but giue bountifully for the releefe of their present necessitie.
     The olde Prouerbe is verfied, Seldome comes the better: and they are possest; the poore of that comfort dispossest.
     Some Landlords hauing turnd an old Brue-house, Bake-house, or Dye-house, into an Alley of tenements, will either themselues, or some at their appointment, keepe tipling in the fore-house (as they call it) and their poore tenantes must bee inionde to fetch bread, drinke, wood, cole, and such other necessaries, in no other place: and there till the weekes ende they may haue anything of trust, prouided they lay to pawn their holiday apparell: nay, my Land-lady will not onely doe them that good turne, but if they want money, she will on munday lend them like wise vppon a pawne eleuen pence, and in meere pittie askes at the weekes end not a penny more than tweluve pence.
     O charitable loue, happy tenants of so kinde a Land-lady: I warrant ye this Usurie is within the Statute, it is not aboue five hundred for the loane of a hundred by the yeare.
     Neyther will they doe this good to their tenantes alone, but they will deale with their husbandes, that for a little room with a smoakie chimney ( or perchaunce none, because smoake is noysome) they shall pay at the least but fortie shillings yeerly.
     Fie vpon fines, thats the vndooing of poore people: weele take none (say these good creatures) marry for the key wee must haue consideration, that is, some Angell in hand: for verely the last tenant made vs change the locke: neither thinke we deale hardly, for it stands in a good place, quite out of company, where handicraft men may haue leysure to get their liuing, if they knew on what to set themselues a worke.
     Now for all this kindnesse, the Land-lord scarce asketh of the tenant thankes (though hee deserue it well) for (as I saide) his wife is all the dealer: so plaies the Parson (the person I should say, I would bee loath to be mistaken) that I tolde yee before builded the Almeshouse. The care of rentes is committed to his Wife, he is no man of this world, but as one metamorphizd from a Saint to a Deuill.

     How now Kindhart? shall we neuer have done with these Landlordes? It seemes thou hast as little land as witte: for while thou liuest they wil not mend, and therefore its as goodto make an ende, as waste winde.
Well, all this was of good will to helpe Tarleton out with his tale.
Now let me see what not Cuckoe sings, for
tis his lucke to
be last.

William Cuckoe to all close
Iuglers wisheth the discouery of their crafts,
and punishment for their knaueries.

R

OOME for a craftie knaue, cries WIlliam Cuckoe. Knaue, nay, it will neare hande beare an action: Bones a mee, my trickes are stale, and all my old companions turnd into Ciuill sutes. I perceiue the worlde is all honestie, if it be no other than it lookes. Let me see, if I can see, beleeue me theres nothing but iugling in euery corner; for euery man hath learnd the mysterie of casting mysts, & though they vse not our olde tearms of hey passe, re-passe, and come aloft: yet they can by-passe, compasse, and bring under one another as cunningly and commonly, as euer poore Cuckoe coulde command his Iacke in a Boxe.
     Yet my maisters, though you robde me of my trade, to giue recompence, after death I haue borrowed a tongue a little to touch their tricks.
     And now sir, to you that was wont like a Subsister in a gown of rugge rent on the left shoulder, to sit singing the Counter-tenor by the Cage in Southwarke:  me thinks ye should not looke so coyly on old Cuckoe. What man, it is not your signe of the Ape and the Vrinall can carry away our old acquaintance?
     I trust yee remember your iugling at Newington with a Christall stone, your Knaueries in the wood by Wansteed, the wondrous treasure you would discouer in the Isle of Wight, al your villanies about that peece of seruice, as perfectly known to some of my friends yet liuing as their Pater noster, who curse the time you euer came in their Creed.
     But I perceiue you fare as the Fox, the more band, the better hap.
 I wonder what became of your familiar, I meane no Deuill, man, but a man Deuil: and yet I need not wonder, for since my descending to vnder earth, I heard say he was hangd for his knauerie, as you in good time may be, Amen. Amend I should say, but I thinke yee meane it not: the matter is not great, for (thanks be to God) how euer you mend in  matters the world is wel amended with your man and you.
     I pray ye was that hee which was your instrument in Notingam-shire, to make your name so famous for finding things lost? It may be, you  forgot that one fetch among many: and least it should bee out of your heade, Ile helpe to beate it into your braines.

     Your Maship vpon a horse whose hire is not paid for, with your Page at your stirrop, like a Castilian Caualier, lighted pennilesse at a pretie Inne, where that day sate certain Iustices in Commission. Your high hart, carelesse of your present neede, would needes for your selfe share out one of the fairest chambers. Your Page must be purueyer for your diet who in the kitchen found nothing for your liking. Beefe was grosse, veale flashy, mutton fulsome, rabbets, hens, & capons common. Wild fowle for Will foole, or he will fast.
     Well, at your will ye shall be furnisht. But now a Iugling tricke to pay the shot.
     My Impe your man, while mistresse, men, and maids were busied about prouision for the Iustices that sate, slips into a priuate parlour, wherein stood good store of plate, and conueying a massy sault under his Capouch, little lesse woorth than twentie marke, got secretely to the back-side, and cast it into a filthie pond: which done, he acquaints your knaueship with the deed.
     By then your diet was drest, the sault was mist, the good Wife cryde out, the maydes were ready to runne madde.
     Your man (making the matter strange) inquird the cause: which when they tolde. O (quoth hee) that my maister would deale in the matter, I am sure he can do as much as any in the world.
     Well, to you they come pitifully complaining, when very wrathfully (your choler rising) you demaund reason why they should thinke yee bee able to deale in such cases. Your kind nature (bent alwayes to lenitie) yeelded at the last to their importuning: onlely wisht them to stay till the nexte day, for that you would not deale while the Iustices were in the house.
     They must do as your discretion appoints: next day calling the good-man and wife to your bedside, ye tell them the salt was stolne by one of their familiars, whom he had forced by Art to bring it back againe to the house, and in such a pond to cast it, because he would not haue the partie knowne for feare of trouble.
     As you direct them, they search and find: then comes your name in rare admiration, the Host giues you foure Angels for a reward, the Hostesse two French crowns: the maydes are double diligent to doe you seruice, that they may learne their fortunes, the whole towne talks of the cunning man, that indeed had onely connycatcht his Host.
     If that slip-string bee still in your seruice, I aduise you make much of him, for by that tricke he prou'd himself a toward youth, necessary for such a maister. This iugling passes Cuckoes play. Well, I aduise you play least in sight in London, for I haue sette some to watch for your comming, that will iustifie all this and more of your shifting life.
     Returne to your olde craft and play the Pinner, although it be a poore life, it is an honest life: your fallacies will one day faile ye.
     There is another Iugler, that beeing well skild in the Iewes Trumpe, takes vpon him to bee a dealer in Musicke: especiall good at meding instrumentes of late, than his bodie (being taken) will euer be able to make good.
     Tut, thats but a plaine tricke: how say ye by some Iuglers that can serue writs without any original, and make poore men dwelling farre off, compound with them for they knowe not what? I tell you there bee such, that by that trick can make a vacation time quicker to them than a Terme: who troubling three score or fourscore men without cause, get of some a crowne, of others a noble, of divers a pound, beside the ordinarie costes of the writ, to put off their appearance, when no such thing was toward.
     Fie vpon these Iuglers, they make the lawes of the Realme be ill spoken of, and are cause that plaine people thinke all Lawyers like them: as appeares by a poore old man by chance comming into one of the worshipful Innes of the Court, where sundry Ancients and Students both honorable and worshipfull sate at supper: the poore man admiring their comely order and reuerent demeanor, demaunded of a stander by, what they were. Gentlemen (said hee) of the Innes of Court. Lord blesse hem (quoth plaine Coridon) beene they of Queens Court? No, said the other, but of the Innes of Court. What doon they, quoth the ountreyman, wotten yee? The other answered, that they were all Lawyers, and Students of the Lawe. Now, well a neere cries plaine Simplicitie, wee han but one Lawyer with us, and hee spoyles all the Parish: but heere been now to marre the whole shire. His simplenes was by the hearers well taken, and the Lawiers name inquird, who prou'd no other but one of these pettifogging Iuglers, that hauing scraped vp a few common places, and by long Sollicitorship got in to be an odd Atturney, was not long since disgraded of his place by pitching ouer the Barre, yet promoted to looke out of a wodden window, cut after the Doue hole fashion, with a paper on his suttle pate, containing the iugling before shewed. So fortune it to his fellowes, and let their misery come cito pede. Law is in it selfe good, the true Professors to be highly esteemd. But as in Diuinity it sometime fares that Schismatikes, Heretikes, and suchlike, make Scripture a cloake for their detested errors, and by their practices seeke to make the reuerend Diuines contemptible; so a sort of Conny-catchers (as I may call them) that haue gathered vp the gleanings of the Law, onely expert to begin controuersies, and vtterly ignorant of their end; perswade the simple that if they will follow their rules, thus and thus it shall chance to their speedy quieting, and that Atturneys, Counsellers, and Serieants, are too costly to bee dealt with simply, but by their mediation, who are able to speak when Cousell failes, and giue more ease in an hour, than the best Benchers in a yeare, when God wot, they doo no more good than a Drone in a Hiue. These Iuglers are too cunning for Cuckoe, and in the end will proue too crafty for themselues: Other Iuglers there bee, that hauing fauour from Authority to seeke something to themselues beneficiall, and to the Common-wealth not prejudiciall, vnder colour of orderly dealing haue hookt into their hands the whole liuing to a number poore men belonging. These when they were complaind on, immediately tooke an honest course, and promist large reliefe yeerely to them they wrong: But euery promise is either broken, or kept & so it fares with them: I protest if their Iugling were set downe, it would make a prety volume: but I wil let them passe, because there is hope they will remember themselues. To set downe the Iugling in Trades, the crafty tricks of buyers and sellers, the swearing of the one, the lying of the other, were but to tell the worlde that which they well knowe, and therefore I will likewise ouerslip that. There is an occupation of no long standing about London called Broking or brogging, whether ye will; in which there is pretty Iugling, especially to blind Law, and bolster Usury: if any man be forst to bring them a pawne, they will take no interest, not past twelue pence a pound for the month; marry they must haue a groat for a monthly bill: which is a bill of sale from month to month; so that no aduantage can be taken for the Usurie. I heare say its well multiplied since I died; but I beshrewe them, for in my life many a time haue I borrowed a shilling on my Pipes, and paid a groat for the bill, when I haue fetcht out my pawne in a day.
    This Iugling exceeds Cuckoes gettings, and sundry times turnd poore William to his shifts. Indeede I deny not, but in their kind some of them deale well, and wil preserue a mans goods safe, if he keep any reasonable time: these are not so blameable, as they that make immediate sale. If euer I haue opportunity to write into the world againe, I will learne who abuse it most and who vse it best, and set ye downe to their dwelling places.
    Now I will draw to an end, concluding with a Master Iugler that he may be well knowne if he be got into any obscure corner of the Countrey. This Shifter forsooth carried no lesse countenance than a Gentlemans abilitie, with his two men in blue coates, that serued for shares not wages. Hee being properly seated in a Shire of this Realme, and by the report of his men bruted for a cunning man, grew into credit by this practice.
    His house beeing in a Village through which was no thorough Fare, his men, and sometime his Mastershippe in their company at midnight would goe into their neighbours seuerall grounds being farre distant from their dwelling houses, and oftentimes driue from thence Horses, Mares, Oxen, Kine, Calues, or Sheepe, what euer came next to hande, a mile perchaunce or more out of the place wherein they were left.
    Home would they return and leaue the cattel straying: In the morning, sometime the milkemaids misse their Kine, another day the Plough-hinds their Oxen, their Horses another time, somewhat of some woorth once a weeke lightly. Whither can these poore people go but to the wise mans worship? Perchaunce in a morning two or three come to complaine and seeke remedie, who welcommed by one of his men, are seuerally demaunded of their losses. If one come for sheepe, another for other cattell, they are al at first tolde, that his Maistership is a sleepe, and till hee himselfe call they dare not trouble him.
    But very kindly he takes them into the hall, and when his worship stirs promises them they shall speake with him at liberty. Now sir behind a curtaine in the hall stands a shelfe garnisht with bookes, to which my mate goes vnder to take one downe. And as he takes it down pulleth certaine strings which are fastened to seuerall small bels in his Maisters chamber, and as the bels strike, hee knowes waht cattell his nieghbors come to seeke, one bell being for Oxen, another for kine, another for swine, &c. A while after he stamps and makes a noyse aboue, the seruingman intreats the Suters to go vp, and hee hearing them comming himselfe kindly opens them the dore, and ere euer they speake, salutes them, protesting for their losse great sorrowe, as if hee knew their griefes by reuelation, comforts them with hope of recouery, and such like wordes. They cry out, Iesu blesse your Maistership, what a gift haue you to tel our mindes and neuer heares vs speake. I neighbors saith he, ye may thanke God I trust I am come among ye to doe ye all good. Then knowing which way they were driuen, hee bids them goe either East-ward, or South-warde to seeke neere such an Oake or row of Elmes, or water, or such like marke neere the place where the Cattell were left; and hee assures them that by his skill the theeues had no power to carry them farther than that place. They runne and seek their cattle, which when they finde, O admirable wise man, the price of a Cow we will not sticke with him for, happy is the shire where such a one dwels. Thus doe the pore cousoned people proclaime, and so our shifter is sought too far and neere. I thinke this be iugling in the highest degree: if it be not, Cuckoe is out of his compasse. Well the world is full of holes, and more shiftes were neuer practiced. But this is Cuckoes counsell that yee leaue in time, lest being conuicted like Hoast of the Anchor, ye pine your selues in prison to saue your eares from the Pillory: an end too good for Iugling shifters, and cosening periurers.

William Cuckoe.

    Ha sirra, I am glad we are at an end, Kindhart was neuer in his life so weary of reading. Beshrew them for me, they haue wakened me from a good sleepe, and weried me almost out of my wits. Here hath beene a coile indeede with lewd song singers, drench giuers, detractors, players, oppressors, rentraisers, bawdes, brothelhouses, shifters, and Iuglers. But sith they haue all done, turne ouer the leafe and heare how merrily Kindhart will conclude.

Kindharts Conclusion of his
Dreame, and his Censure on the Appa-
ritions seuerally.

F

OR memories sake, let me see what conclusion we shall forme: Anthony tolde a long tale of Runnagate song-singers, inueighing especially against those lasciuios ballads, that are by Authority forbidden, priuily printed, and publikely solde. In which I finde no reason (as before I said) because I beleeue none are so desperate to hazard their goods in printing or selling anything y^t is disallowed. Or if there be some such, I perswade my selfe the Maiestrates diligence is so great, they would soone be weeded out. But now let mee sound a little into Anthonies meaning: hee complaines not that these lasciuious songes howe euer in London they beginne, are there continued, but thence they spread as from a spring; and albeit they dare not there be iustified, yet are they in euery Pedlars packe sent to publike meetings in other places where they ar suffered, because the Sellers sweare thes are published by Authoritie: and people farre off thinke nothing is printed but what is lawfully tollerated. Such knaues indeede would be lookt into, that are not content with corrupting the multitude, but they must slaunder the Maiestrates. If Mopo and his mates bee such men that I may meete with, I will not onely deliuer them Anthonies minde, but vrge them to exasperate the matter.
    For Master Doctors motion, I doubt not but those which haue charge theretoo to looke, will bee verie carefull to discharge their dueties. My selfe will not be slacke against wandering Tooth-drawers. Besides, I haue a Coppie of the Confederacie betweene Don Mugel Prince of Rats, and the Graund Caualier of the Rat-catchers: which I will publish, if he dissolue not the League, to the vtter ouerthrowe of his Standerd, being three Rats and a paire of shackells, drawen in a white field, cheuernd with Newgate chaine, (in memorie of his long communitie therewith) and loftily borne on a broome staffe. Neither will I alone against them inueigh, but generally against all such banner-bearers, whether they be of Teeth, of Stone cutting, or of Rat-catching. Nay, Kinde-heart will not spare the Ensigne-bearer of Robert the Rifler. What though hee bee one of the head Bugesses of Knaues-borough: and sometime hath two Bearwards seruing vnder his colours, and they marshalled with Turkes, Bowes, Arrowes, Skoyles, and Nyneholes. And though Kind hart will not meddle wyth these sports that are lawfull; yet it may bee shortly hee will speake of their lawlesse abusers.
    With Robin Greene it passes Kindharts capacity to deale; for as I knowe not the reason of his vnrest: so will I not intermeddle in the cause: but as soone as I can conuey his letter, where it should be deliuered.
    For olde Dick Tarlton that madde companion, I haue helpt him out with his inuectiue against wringing Landlords, and commend his commendation of honest mirth. But I vnderstand, how euer hee speakes well of players, there is a graze widow in the world complains against one or two of them, for denying a Legacie of fortie shillings summe. Pittie it is (poore soule) beeing turnd to their shifts, they should hinder her of her portion, for had she that, shee intendes to set vp an Apple-shop in one of the Innes. If they pay her, so it is; if not, she hath sworne neuer to be good, because they haue beguilde her.
    For Cuckoe I haue somewhat to adde to his Iugling.
    It happened within these few yeeres, about Hampshire there wandered a walking Mort, that went about the Countrey selling of tape, shee had a good voice, and would sing sometime to serue the turne: she would often be a leach, another time a fortune teller.
    In this last occupation wee will now take her, for therefore was she taken, hauing first ouertaken an honest simple Farmer and his Wife-in this manner.
    On a Summers euening by the edge of the Forest, she chaunst to meete the forenamed Farmers wife: to whom when she had offered some of her tape, she began quickly with her to fall in talke. And at the first staring her in the face, assures her she shall haue such fortune as neuer had any of her kinne: and if her husband were no more vnlucky than she, they should be possest of so infinite a sum of hidden treasure, as no man in England had euer seene the like.
    The plain woman tickled with her soothing, intreated her to go home, which she at first making somewhat strange, was at last content. There had she such cheare as Farmers houses affoord, who fare not with the meanest.
    Shortly the good man comes in, to whom his Wife relates her rare fortune, and what a wise woman shee had met with. Though the man were very simple, yet made he some question what learning she had, and how she came by knowledge of such things. Oh sir (saide she) my Father was the cunningst Iugler in all the countrey, my mother a Gipsie, and I haue more cunning than any of them both. Where lies the tresure thou talkst on said the Farmer? Within this three myles (quoth she.) I wonder thy selfe getst it not (saide the man) but liuest thou (as it seems) in so poore estate. My pouertie (answerd this coosner) is my chiefest pride: for such as we cannot our selues be rich, though wee make others rich. Beside, hidden treasue is by spirits possest, and they keepe it onely for them, to whome it is destinied. And more (said shee) if I haue a seuerall roome to my selfe, hangd round about with white linnen, with other instruments, I will by morning tell ye, whether it be distined to you. The goodman and wife giuing credite to her words, fetcht foorth their finest sheets, and garnished a chamber as she appointed: seuen candles she must haue lighted, and an Angell she would haue laide in euery candle-sticke. Thus furnisht, she locks her selfe into the roome, and appointes them two onely to watch, without making any of their seruants priuie. Where vsing sundrie mumbling fallacies, at last shee cald the man vnto her, whome she sadled and brideled, and hauing seuen times rid him about the roome, causd him to arise and call his wife, for to her belongd the treasure.
    Both man and wife being come, in verie sober manner she tolde them, that they alone must attend in that place, while she forst the spirits to release the tresure & lay it in some conuenient place for them to fetch: but in any wise they must not reueale about what shee went, neither touch bread nor drinke till her returne. So taking vp the seuen Angels away she went, laughing to her selfe how she had left them waiting.
    All night sate the man and his wife attending her comming, but she was wise inough. Morning came, the seruants mused what their Maister and Dame meant, that were wont with the Larke to be the earliest risers: yet sith they heard them talke, they attempted not to disturbe them. Noone drawing on the Farmer feeling by the chimes in his belly twas time to dine; was by his wife counselled to stay till the wise womans returne. Which he patiently intending, on a sodaine the sent of the Ploughswaines meate so pierced his sense, that had all India beene the meede of his abstinence, eate he will, or die he must. His wife more money wise, intended rather to starue than loose the treasure: till about eueing one of their neighbors brought them news of a woman coosener that by a Iustice was sent to Winchester for many lewd pranks. The man would needes see if it were the same, and comming thither found it to be no other, where thinking at least to haue good words she impudently derided him: faith (saide shee) onely to see how like an Asse he lookt.

A number of such there be, whom I wil more
narrowly search for in my next Circuit,
and if my Dreame bee accepted,
sette them out orderly.